What is self-esteem?

Simply put, self-esteem is a subjective evaluation of your own worth, which based on past experiences may be biased, serving you or restricting your abilities to achieve goals or grow into a fully-developed human being. Low self-esteem is very much seen as lacking confidence.

Self-esteem is, therefore, intrinsically linked to emotions, beliefs and values — what you believe in and what you believe to be true about yourself or the world around you.

For example, if you believe you cannot do something, then you probably won’t do it. You may not even try because of the fear of inadequacy or even failure. Perhaps, you feel you don’t have the necessary tools to succeed.

Perhaps, conditioning — what peers/people have been saying about you for as long as you remember — and your beliefs so deeply engrained in your subconscious, you may not even realise you have now become your biggest saboteur, limiting your capacity to achieve greatness and preventing you to be a fully accomplished person.

More to this, lack of self-esteem may have a direct impact on your happiness, your life, and your mental well-being. Individuals lacking confidence very often lack social skills and so may isolate themselves from the world around as social situations may anchor their feeling of inadequacy or failure deeper in their mind. They may stop trying new things and avoid things (big and small) they find challenging. Think work presentations and working towards a promotion. And so, they may stagnate, become a lesser version of themselves because they simply do not believe they can do it, and that everyone will look at them as less than or ridicule them. Worse of all, they may even have experience severe physical signs that may impede their speech (e.g., words are ‘stuck’ in the mouth, broken voice), their cognition (e.g., brain fog or “dead-brain”, when they simply cannot think or do anything, as if they were frozen), they may be sweating or agitated and may even feel like (or) fainting.

This is why public speaking is the number one fear (phobia).

Evidence suggests that excessive use of social media negatively impacts self-esteem and life satisfaction. It's also linked to an increase in mental health problems and social isolation. Social media may be a source of anxiety or in individuals lacking self-esteem.

But for the younger generations, they are born with social media and, therefore, are a complete part of their lives.

The “Teens social media habits and experiences 2018” survey carried out by Pew Research Centre in the US revealed that 43% of teens felt pressure to only post content that made them look good to others, and 37% felt pressure to post content that will get a lot of likes and comments. 26% of respondents said that they felt worse about their own life because of social media. Nearly half (49%) post their accomplishments on social media while only 12% posted about their personal problems. (source: https://hwb.gov.wales)

On the hand, over-confidence, self-centerdness or narcissism is associated with selfishness and involves a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. This type of individuals have a disproportionate (inflated) sense of regard for themselves (usually, ignore the needs of those around them, or may also be bullies), their capabilities and often think of themselves as great achievers (obsessed with power and material things), and take credits for others’ achievements (especially in work teams), and put down others for their own failures and don’t appreciate second opinions (to their own). They use verbal abuse for power and control. Thus, they tend to be on the defensive (or become aggressive) when they feel insecure/proven wrong. They make the worse managers or team leaders.[1]

Narcissistic personalities are often found on social media because these sites are an ideal environment to meet narcissistic needs, and narcissistic behaviours are rewarded. In addition, the narcissistic attitudes and behaviours in real life are also reflected in the behaviours on social media which also fuel their narcissistic ideation.[2]

How to build your self-esteem?

While over-confident individuals may need to tune down the perception of themselves, the impact of their inflated self-esteem is not really regarded as a barrage to become fully-developed and better human beings (or limited to become a better version of themselves in a sense that they are get-goers, even if for the wrong reasons), develop resilience and rise above challenges in the face of adversity, in the same way lack of confidence or low self-esteem do. Because individual with low self-esteem may experience poorer quality of life or may not be living at all, missing out on every little moment of happiness that would otherwise make their lives ‘complete’. They may also care less about their diet and having an active lifestyle (often suffering from a what’s-the-point-attitude), putting on weight and, therefore, feel even worse about themselves.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others

Learn to lower the voice of your inner saboteur. That you want it or not, there will always be someone more attractive, smarter, wealthier, and more successful than you. What you may not know is that those you idealise may feel the same way as you do about themselves! No one is perfect because perfection doesn’t exist. In our modern world, where we are taught enough is never enough, “perfection” is, therefore, unattainable. An endless pursuit that will have you broken and in tears every time you feel your efforts are not bringing the expected rewards.

Comparing yourself to others may make you feel inferior and rob you from enjoying every little moments in life, moments that would otherwise make you happy, and make you jealous of other people’s accomplishments (work, relationship or money).

What you don’t see are your strength and greatness, all that you have accomplished, because you obsess with what you don’t have instead.

If social media are a source of anxiety and reinforce those feelings of inadequacy when looking at pictures of happy people on holiday in exotic places, or because you’re not collecting enough likes or enough followers, or not getting the comments you are after, or may be because of social attacks from trolls, then it is best to restrict your time on such sites because your health and your mental well-being are at stake.

2. Take note of your achievements

Before looking at all that is going wrong in your day (or your life), look back at your journey and list all the moments you have faced challenges and came on top, every time someone told you you couldn’t do but prove them wrong, all those who told you you weren’t enough and prove to be better than them. Just the fact that you are standing here today (feeling strong or defeated) is a prove that you are alive and you made it this far. You may have scars but those scars made you stronger, helped you to be the person you are today, the person you should be proud of. Celebrate those scars because they are your victories.

Remember that we all have bad days, days we wished we stayed in bed, days we regret the wrong we did, the mistakes. If this happen, make amend when the time is right and forgive yourself, not others, because you deserve inner peace and you deserve to move on.

3. Learn new skills

Feeling you’re not enough, then learning new skills will give you the confidence you lack and help you hone a sense of achievement.

Do not look at mastering new skills as a way to have power over others, because you will endlessly trapped in the “never-is-never-enough” cycle and will feel defeated whenever someone else is demonstrating stronger skills. Look at it differently. How will you feel once you have mastered the skills you needed to feel more confident? Well, imagine how admired and respected for your knowledge and skills you will be, having people consulting you for support, wanting your expertise, wanting to be you.

4. Use your creative skills

In the same way learning new skills can help boost your confidence, doing something creative can help you make better use of your imagination, giving you the sky for limit, and helping you to become more secure in yourself.

Again, art, movements (like dancing or similar exercise), writing is never perfect. So do not aim for perfection. Ask any artist about their best piece and they will tell you it is not finished, it is imperfect.

5. Change your mindset

Indeed, if nothing is perfect, then learning new skills, making full use of your creative side should become second nature. You should do it without prejudgment or criticism, so you can achieve greatness. Again, you are the greater saboteur in your life. Other people voices, you can tune them down, but your own inner voice is always heard loud and clear. So, use it to your advantage, not against you.

6. Out of the comfort zone

How can you progress if you keep doing the same things but expecting a different result every time? How you become the better version of yourself if all you do is doing what feels comfortable?

Nothing is done from being comfortable. This is why the stress response has been the best bodily function that has ensured our survival as a specie. Stress helps us to be more focused and so, more productive. A little stress is great to get things done, but too much stress is counterproductive and may also be accompanied to caffeine and other substance abuse to keep up (and feed an overactive brain and disproportionate stress response).

7. Do not take things at heart

People may tell you what they think is best for you but they are not walking in your shoes. Your life is your own journey to live. So, listen to your heart and do what is right. Stop listening to those that put you down, instead of supporting you and elevate you. Leave the crowd behind if all they do is criticise you and others to feel more important and feel less insecure about their own shortcomings. They may also take advantage of you, feeling you drained and exhausted, clipping your wings before you even took flight.

I love this saying. Use you as your motto if it helps you break from the chains that are holding you down.

8. Look for and keep your inner-child close by

Remember as you were a child and devouring life, looking at everything for the very first time, discovering new things every day, learning something new every day.

Remember that excitement you felt being alive and invincible.

Peer pressure my have suppressed that child in you, but it has gone nowhere. You have trapped it deep inside your soul so you wouldn’t ever think twice about it or hear its voice echoing in the darkness.

You are a child of life. There is nothing stopping you learning new things and wanting to learn new things, to be childish and love every moment life is throwing at you. You may feel defeated but as a child, you would have a cry about it, and then move on because there was always something else catching your attention. Even small gesture from your parents trying to cheer you up, an ice-cream or a day at the park, were enough.

So do the things that make you happy. If you feel stuck, then learn new things. Let creativity flow out of you. Use it to your advantage. Use it to suppress the voice of your inner-saboteur and revive the voice of your inner-child. Walk away from anyone trying to remove the wind beneath your wings.

9. Be there for others.

This is not about letting others walk all over you and suck the energy out of you. This is about being the shoulder to cry on when a friend is in need. They trust you with their emotions, so you mean a lot to them, so let them express their sadness and just be there to listen. If they want your advice they will ask for it. Do not try to take side if you asked to. Be impartial and be the friend they know you can be, and let them know you are here for them, that they are not alone.

You may also want to volunteer with local charities or support groups. The rewards are immense. Your presence may not change their world, but it will mean the world to them. They will also appreciate you and respect you and this will contribute to your self-esteem.

10. Accept failures as a part of growth

Is failure worse than not trying at all?

Well, imagine the weight of regrets.

It’s a normal reaction to get disheartened by failure but, once again, being harsh on yourself is counterproductive. Failing is an opportunity to change your thinking, loss a chance to improve.

Be glad you’ve tried. Be glad you fail as you learn from your mistake and become the person you have always dreamt to become.

Remember that planes don’t crash often, because with every accident something new is learned and safety increases for the safety of all passengers. Without making mistakes there is no improvement, no improvement and you may be stuck in your comfort zone missing out on the opportunity to become a fully-developed human being.

Are you sure you still lack self-esteem after reading this article?

If you still feel deflated or even depressed, then you need to address your exposure to stress and mental well-being.

References

1. Lubit, R. (2002). The long-term organizational impact of destructively narcissistic managers. The Academy of Management Executive. 16(1), pp. 127-138. Available at: https://www.jstor.org/stable/4165819

2. Casale, S. Banchi, V. (2020). Narcissism and problematic social media use: A systematic literature review. Addictive behaviors reports, 11, 100252. doi.:10.1016/j.abrep.2020.100252