Self-compassion to Heal from Bullying and Shame

“I grew up a victim of bullying. It led to low self-esteem, and emotional turmoil and manifested in many ways from people pleasing to never feeling good enough.”

This is why Anna Pereira confided ahead of our talk to support Mental Health on May 10th 2023.

Indeed, bullying can lead to shame in several ways. When someone is bullied, they may feel embarrassed, humiliated, or powerless. Additionally, bullies often use shame as a tactic to control their victims. They may make fun of their appearance, intelligence, or other personal traits, and use these attacks to make the victim feel ashamed of themselves. Over time, this can erode the victim's self-esteem and make them feel like they are not worthy of respect or love.

Bullying can also create a culture of shame in a community. When bullying is tolerated or even encouraged, it can make people feel like they have to hide their true selves or conform to a certain standard to avoid being targeted. This can lead to a pervasive sense of shame and self-doubt that can be difficult to overcome.

Real Life Experiences

The issue with bullying, you can be targeted at any time for no apparent reason.

But here, I would like to add how illness or certain disorders can be a cause of bullying, attacks and mockery. I have experienced it first-hand from the early stages of my childhood to my teen years.

If you have followed me for a while, you know a bit about me and my professional background, and how it has shaped me to be the person I am today. As a chef, I worked all hours of the day and night for decades (to avoid thinking about my past and the hurt), until eventually, my body started to break down. And, I had no choice but to slow down.

It is a fact that people who tend to be over-achievers and workaholics have suffered some type of trauma or early-life adverse events. Their dedication to their work is often to prove their worth, especially if they were emotionally abused or bullied inside family circles.

For me, it all started when my family decided to move from the French Riviera to the middle of nowhere in rural France. My parents were not accepted as part of the community, and my brothers and I were also struggling to make friends at school. My older brother chose to embrace the bad-boy attitude and my younger brother buried himself in schoolwork and made learning his mission in life (and quickly became the exemplary pupil in the entire history of the school, so much so that they wanted him to jump 3 grades). On the other hand, I preferred my own company and lost myself in the woods next to our home. But, at school, it was nearly impossible. Why? I was smaller than average and always lacked energy. An easy target…

In my days, there was no test to identify gluten intolerance and lactose intolerance, both of which have wreaked my body for years, preventing me to grow normally. The problem was simple: chronic malnutrition. I was on regular injections of minerals and vitamins to help me put on weight but those never worked.

Those injections did nothing to cure my sleep problems either. My parents tried everything though. Until they eventually gave when I turned 12.

Chronic lack of sleep (I rarely slept more than 4 hours from the moment I was born to the moment I turned 32) and malnutrition made me the ideal prey for bullies and I would return home at least once a week with a black eye or physical signs of assault, damaged clothes or backpack, or worse. Because I was so small and lacked the energy to fight back, all I could do is outrun the bullies. Running is still by far the most enjoyable and relaxing pass time for me today. My brain probably associates running with freedom and clarity of mind.

When I say I was small and skinny, it is not just an innocent statement. To give you an indication, when I turned 12, I was 27 kilos. It was only when I left home at 15 and started to work after school and on weekends that my body embraced its freedom. During the summer of my 16th birthday, I grew 20 centimetres and 6 sizes of shoes in just 2 months. I also put on 20 kilos.

Almost immediately, I felt more confident. I stopped eating the food I thought made me sick and those I could not afford (I was entirely living off my ridicule salary of 250 francs for a 12 hours shift, the equivalent today to £20, so cheese, fresh baguettes, croissants and other luxuries I did without. Rent and bills had to be paid).

I transferred to a new school and move to a student house, and by some magic made new friends within days. I was still waiting for the worse to happen and did not attend parties until a year later. When I turned 20, I dared to invite my classmates and other students from other classes to celebrate my birthday. To my surprise, they all said yes. Over 20 of my fellow classmates came to my tiny student dorm. It was so much fun.

Well, to me it was. First, I warned everyone that there will be no alcohol. They all turned up and were confused to see many bottles of fruit juices, snacks and nibbles. Second, my birthday became a tradition. Because we only had 2 hours of school on Friday, every Thursday evening we all met at my dorm and had the best of time. From then, there was alcohol. We all had one job to do and the job was to buy the liqueur we were each assigned to bring. This made a huge display of bottles on my desk, and many drinks to be had.

Despite not wanting to drink (I hated the taste of alcohol in those days), it was then that I got drunk for the only time in my life. I was so drunk, that when all have left, I fell to the floor and could not get back up. I was in tears laughing because I could not understand what was happening and why I could not drag myself to the bed.

One of my school friends came back in and helped me get into bed, saying: “I knew it!”

This still reminds me of what friendship really means.

When I woke up I knew I had been sick but the floor was as clean as it was after everyone had departed. Then, I turned around and let me tell you, that to this day there is one particular alcohol I would never touch again. The smell is engraved in my brain. the “wall painting” as well.

I am happy that I have overcome adversity and it made me stronger and enduring in many more than one way (even though some days are more difficult than others, especially when it comes to sleep issues). But, the problem is that many people are not that lucky, and years of bullying and trauma are making their adult years still a misery.

Traumatic adverse events are so detrimental to health if left unresolved that it can prevent individuals from coping with the normal stresses of daily life, and lead to anxiety disorders, depression, social inadequacy, social isolation and early mortality.

In my upcoming talk (May 15th 2023 at 17:00 EST), I will share insightful information about the effect of chronic stress on the gut, the gut microbiota and cognition. I will also share tips to become more mindful, particularly around meal times and bedtime.

Would you like to share tips and personal stories about how you overcame bullying so you could live your life to your full potential?

Please, comment below. You may just be the greatest inspiration for the next reader.

#overcomebullying #Mentalhealthawareness #protectyourchildren