How To Be Resilient: 6 Steps To Master Your Emotions When Life Gets Hard
There are two types of people on this earth: those who seem to handle life quite well and there are those who can’t manage the littlest inconvenience — the frazzled, harried and incredibly stressed-out type of people.
Depending on how we woke up, we can easily be the latter. Indeed, there are days when we feel invincible and others when we want to throw everything away overboard, give up and bury ourselves under the sheets.
It’s shocking, right?
These are the moments in any job, project, career, or relationship (or commitment) where you just want to quit.
Quitting, sometimes, seems so easy. Wanting to start from scratch: a blank slate.
But, let’s analyse the situation. Are you not carrying some baggage with you? Are they not becoming heavier and heavier with every missed opportunity, containing the memories of quitting (full of the excuses you have told yourself), perhaps the regrets of not trying?
If quitting is the safest option, do you think you will be able to overcome adversity and destroy the barrages, however high on your life path— or will you give up at first sight using past experiences to tell yourself it is the right thing to do?
Stress is inevitable. Quitting is not. In fact, the not quitting option has a name. It is resilience.
This topic has been widely discussed in recent years. Resilience is not about believing all will be fine, that you will conquer your biggest fears and be stronger with every failure and success.
Life is far from being a simple stroll down a garden path. If that were the case, the world would be a utopia, with people constantly supporting each other. But, this is not the reality we live in. Plus, we have been conditioned to always want more, which only exacerbates our dissatisfaction in relationships, at work and in practically every other area of our lives.
So changing the way we see obstacles is already a step towards managing the daily stresses of life in a more positive way.
In other words, our response to particular events or situation is what dictates how true to ourselves we remain and how resilient we are.
What is resilience?
Resilience is the ability to adapt, bounce back, and recover from adversity, challenges, or stressful situations. It involves maintaining positive mental health and emotional well-being despite facing difficult circumstances.
Resilience is not a fixed trait (something that comes naturally), but rather a set of skills, behaviours, and attitudes that can be cultivated and strengthened over time.
Developing resilience is essential for effectively managing stress, supporting overall health and better quality of life.
“Resilience can be defined as the capacity to cope with and overcome adversity while maintaining psychological well-being and functioning. It involves utilising personal strengths, social supports, and adaptive coping mechanisms to navigate through challenging situations.”
Strategies for developing resilience
Here are 10 tips for developing resilience and improving the way you manage the normal stresses of life:
Build strong relationships: Cultivate supportive and nurturing relationships with family, friends, and community members. These connections can provide emotional support and help you during difficult times.
Cultivate a positive mindset: Focus on positive aspects of life, practice gratitude, and engage in optimistic thinking. Positive emotions can help buffer against stress and enhance resilience. REMEMBER: the glass is neither half empty nor half full, it contains water and that is phenomenal, especially if you are thirsty!
Develop problem-solving skills: Improve your ability to solve problems effectively by using apps or certain exercises. Break down challenges into manageable steps and seek advice if you cannot come up with solutions yourself. You may have heard ‘all the answers are within you’ but sometimes it is simply not true, especially if you are too stressed out to see past your fears or because you’re completely exhausted.
Practice self-care: Prioritise self-care activities that promote physical, mental, and emotional well-being. This includes maintaining a healthy lifestyle, getting regular exercise, adequate sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Mark pauses during the day to check how you feel and what you could do to improve your state of mental well-being.
Set realistic goals: Set achievable goals and work towards them. Accomplishing goals can enhance self-esteem and foster a sense of control.
Develop effective communication skills: Enhance your ability to express your needs, feelings, and thoughts assertively and constructively. Effective communication can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts, leading to peace of mind and better time management.
Cultivate flexibility and adaptability: Embrace change and uncertainty as opportunities for growth. Develop the ability to adapt your thinking and behaviour to new circumstances. REMEMBER: change is good, even if it is ‘bad’.
Practice mindfulness and stress reduction techniques: Engage in activities like meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga to help manage stress and promote emotional well-being.
The end vision: finding purpose. Identify and nurture your personal values and goals. Having a sense of purpose can provide direction and motivation during difficult times.
Poor resilience and quality of life
The effects of poor resilience can manifest at various levels:
Physiological level:
Increased heart rate and blood pressure
Weakened immune system
Sleep disturbances
Gastrointestinal problems
Chronic pain or muscle tension
Emotional level:
Persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness
Increased irritability or anger
Low self-esteem
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Changes in appetite or weight
Mental health aspect:
Increased risk of developing anxiety disorders
Higher likelihood of experiencing depressive symptoms
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Substance abuse or addiction
Increased vulnerability to other mental health conditions
6 Steps To Master Your Emotions When Life Gets Hard
1. Emotional Regulation
At times, our emotions may make us feel trapped, scared and helpless (blink twice if anxiety has a gun to your head right now). Such situations can lead us to contemplate wanting to throw our hands up and give up.
To make sound decisions, it's essential to be in control of our emotions. Definitely better said than done, right?
Emotional Regulation is an effective technique that enables us to manage our feelings and think rationally. The Navy SEALs even credit it as one of the methods that helped improve their passing rates, highlighting its incredible power.
Here are two steps to get you started:"
First, take a moment to pause and create some distance between your negative emotions and actions (behaviours). Acting impulsively is the enemy.
Your amygdala, the fear centre of the brain based on past experiences, may be deceiving you into believing that the situation is way too scary and too much to handle. These emotions are not a representation of who you are. They are feelings. They are not you. Take a moment to acknowledge them and understand that they are simply making a case. You, however, are the judge.
Acknowledge and label your emotions as something separate from yourself (call them ‘they’ if you wish, like ‘they say’ or ‘they make me feel’. Focus on your physical sensations, as this can help ground you in reality. This, in turn, will help you to recognise that the thoughts in your head may not be valid, but your body is.
Naming your emotions and paying attention to your body can help decrease the intensity of negative thoughts. Once you have taken a moment to process your emotions, it's time to get logic back online to move forward.
In the second step, referred to as ‘reappraise’, we utilise a technique from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), renowned as the most effective psychological therapy. The aim is to distance oneself from the emotions and analyze them objectively. The process involves asking questions such as: Is the situation truly as bad as it seems? Are my emotions based on fact or an overreaction? Have similar situations been handled successfully in the past? Finally, it's essential to consider whether the emotions are helpful or not.
Sometimes that’s all it takes. Logic steps in and reminds you that you may be overreacting. Your rational mind takes over and redirects your mental energy towards strengthening your emotional defences. Then, you're able to regain your composure and calm down.
Usually, this is just the beginning. Although you have reduced your anxiety levels and negative thoughts, you may still lack the confidence to move forward. So, what mindset should we adopt?
2. Optimism
Right now, you’re probably seeing a biased version of the world that surrounds you, tinted with worry and fears. You may even think that you have reached the bottom and that anyone in your situation would give up. But it is simply not true.
It is very interesting because, as mentioned earlier in this article, it is our perception and reaction to certain situations that makes it more or less difficult to handle that situation. During the 1960s, Seligman conducted a research on "learned helplessness." It suggested that when we feel that our efforts are pointless, we tend to experience depression and lose hope. However, Seligman discovered that a significant number of participants (about one-third) did not give up.
These individuals had a perspective that viewed setbacks as temporary ("This too shall pass"), localized ("it's an isolated issue"), and manageable ("I can find a solution"). This outlook provided them with the ability to handle difficult situations. In short, they possessed a sense of optimism linked to their narrative: the story they tell themselves.
“How tolerable a situation feels grows out of our belief about whether we can do anything to escape it.”
Indeed, the word is '“belief” — we think some situations are “bad” and others “aren’t so bad” but we tend to forget those categories are subjective.
Being optimistic helps us persist in our efforts because we “believe” that things will eventually work out. At times, the situation may not necessarily improve, but maintaining a positive perspective can provide the motivation to keep going.
“Optimism has been linked to higher levels of engagement coping and lower levels of avoidance, or disengagement, coping. There is evidence that optimism is associated with taking proactive steps to protect one’s health, whereas pessimism is associated with health-damaging behaviours.”
How can I become more optimistic?
The proven technique that is shown to be most effective is known as the ‘Best Possible Self’. Look for a time in the future, perhaps 10 to 15 years from now, and envision everything in your life going just as planned. Imagine having a good career, success, and good relationships — essentially, living the life of your dreams.
At this point, it doesn’t matter if you feel it isn’t real or that it is just a construction of your mind… because it is. The point is to be clear about what you want out of life, what you want to achieve and the person you want to become. If you don’t have a clear view of your future yet, make one that you believe is the closest to your goals. This will be the end vision to strive towards — the basis on which you will base your efforts to “become”. The other point is to believe. If you do not believe you can achieve anything, then it may be the reason why you find coping with stress extremely difficult — you are not believing in yourself and you are not giving yourself what you need to succeed. You are probably your biggest saboteur, and you may not even know it.
If building that end vision is too difficult, remember to change the narrative. Whenever you say to yourself, “This will never happen, I am not that capable,” this is when you tell your stubborn mind that “I CAN DO IT, and I WILL DO IT, WATCH ME!”
So now, let’s look at how to put this second step into practice.
Take 10 minutes to describe this scenario in great detail on paper — that moment in the future you have chosen and you have achieved all you wanted to. And delve into the details of how you would spend your time then. What does it feel like? What do you see, hear, taste and smell? Be as thorough as possible. The picture must be clear in your head.
There are no valid reasons to avoid doing this very simple activity. Essentially, you are being encouraged to engage in a 10-minute writing exercise that involves fantasising about your life and the things that you want out of life. (If only every intervention could be this much fun!).
More than 30 studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of this exercise. It not only increases your levels of optimism, it is also shown to improve your overall health (remember the power of your thoughts).
So your end vision is clear in your head and you are able to regulate your emotion, but what if you are the anxious type, always fearing the worst and giving up when things get tough?
Cognitive Agility
When it comes to poor resilience, the biggest contributing factor is catastrophising (viewing or presenting a situation as considerably worse than it actually is, using specific narrative traits, such as exaggerating, which can be intentional or unintentional — sometimes, the words come out of your mouth so fast that you may instantly ask yourself: “why did I just say that…?”).
What catastrophising looks like?
The kids are late for 20 minutes? Their bus must have crashed and they died a horrifying death. Obviously. This is quite extreme, but I’m sure you get the point. As those thoughts of impending doom take over your mind, your heart is speeding and your blood pressure is through the roof. You’re breathing faster. Your body is violently flooded with stress hormones by mere thoughts. You are now spinning out of control, worrying excessively and perhaps even feeling faint, or you need a paper bag to breathe in. This is how powerful your thoughts can be.
When you assume the worst-case scenario or think things are much worse than they actually are, you are not living in the present but in an imaginary place in your head. Nothing is real!
Catastrophising is also a predictor of PTSD, especially in soldiers deployed in areas of active war.
One of the most important exercises to focus on is “Cognitive Agility”. The aim is simple. A bit like Doctor Strange in “End Game” (when he saw millions of different futures), you think of all the possible scenarios and pick the one that is the least frightening and the one that is the most closely related to reality.
All jokes aside, cognitive agility is the ability to consider many possibilities before focusing and acting on one. It gives you options. Cognitive agility can help you ground yourself in reality and focus on the most realistic options, not the scariest ones.
If you are unable to use the power of your mind to combat the worst of thoughts, then use a piece of paper. Draw a line in the middle and, to the left, write “Worst” and to the right “Best”.
Under worst, write “terrible bus accident.” Under best, “they’re competing at the Olympics.” Now in the middle, write scenarios that are more likely to be true, such as “their phone died and the bus is caught in traffic,” “they are at the mall, having fun with schoolmates,” or “I forgot they had a playdate?”
This exercise allows you to take control of your spiralling thoughts and realise things aren’t as bad as your first reaction tells you they are.
Now, this is great on paper. But what if you are in an abusive relationship — with yourself, and stand as the ‘cruel’ storyteller (e.g., the voice behind harsh, demeaning self-talk)?
Self-Compassion
Talking to yourself as you would your best friend when you make a mistake is more rewarding than lashing on, using words that are hurtful and using your weaknesses against you, such as “you’re worthless” or “told you so. How could you possibly think you could do it?” or “nobody will ever love you.”
In some strange manners, we are compassionate with friends when they overreact, but when we overreact, we automatically think it’s Armageddon.
Self-compassion is the process of turning compassion inward. We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate. See self-compassion in the same way you would talk to your friend and the things you would do to make them feel better.
See this exercise as a way to be kinder to yourself and applaud the person who is always there for you — YOU!
Self-Efficacy
What happens when you feel you can cope with your feelings but at the time you feel unable to do anything about the situation, or feel unequipped or confident enough to move forward after a big setback?
Self-efficacy is the unwavering belief in your capability to take charge of your actions and the situations that affect your life. This is a concept created by psychologist Albert Bandura in the 1980s.
It’s the opposite of helplessness.
The level of self-efficacy can determine your success in various aspects of life, such as job performance and achieving health and fitness goals. The key factor driving this influence is agency, which is the belief that you have the ability to take action and make a difference in the world.
How do you develop self-efficacy? Mastering experiences is key. Getting competent at something increases feelings of agency and confidence. This newfound self-assurance can then permeate other areas of life, as the mindset drives from "If I can do this" to "I can do anything."
Rather than just repeating positive mantras or trying to convince yourself with affirmations, setting and achieving goals offers concrete proof of your abilities, over time, building a strong self-identity as an accomplished individual who consistently meets their objectives.
Baby steps often do it. Start small. Set a goal and reach for it. Once you have achieved your goal, set a bigger goal and so on. The idea is not “believe and do,” it is “do and believe.” This exercise builds agency and will inevitably transpire in every part of your life.
Becoming confident starts by being honest with yourself. Proving to yourself you can do it. Making goals but not reaching for them will create a vicious circle with quitting as the end result. You may even quit before starting. You are not your failures. You are the result of your experiences (well, your interpretation of those experiences. Is it accurate or distorted to fit your narrative?), so change the outlook, change the story you tell yourself and use powerful thoughts to increase the wind beneath your wings.
Take Action
Dreaming about your future and being your best self can only happen if you take action.
Have a plan. Be clear about the end vision.
Creating a plan can provide a sense of security, knowing you can move forward without being hindered by your emotions. Having a well-thought-out plan can prevent potential setbacks and ensure success.
This article has equipped you with all the necessary tools to achieve complete emotional mastery. Feel empowered about your capacity to control your emotions and disarm the situation with ease.
You have now successfully identified your feelings and then delved deeper to uncover what they meant to you and what they were trying to teach you. Finally, you also discovered how to turn things around and rehearsed your individualised approach for future situations.
Discovering how to recognise and intercept your emotions (and finding the appropriate response) is just the beginning. With the 6-step process of emotional mastery, you can embark on a personal journey to delve deeper into your emotional state and uncover what is really going on. This process empowers you to take control of your feelings and enhance the quality of your life.
By applying these techniques to your daily routine, you can build good habits that will last a lifetime and even improve your creativity.
REMEMBER: Everyone struggles. Everyone. Life is about how we see those challenges and how we choose to respond.
Start practising today.
Your best self is waiting to thank you…
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