Unable to ‘quiet your mind’? Here is why…
The stories you tell yourself
Do you remember in one of my previous blog talking about stressful situations, that they are not the problem but the way we react in those situations.
Usually, you will hear your inner voice telling you to feel “bad” about yourself, that “you’re a failure” or that “you can’t do anything right”. And so, you start to believe it and anchor this narrative in your subconscious and you will use every experiences to reinforce this belief.
You now believe you are a failure and good at nothing because the end-result is always the same. But is it?
“The story you tell yourself about a situation is going to shape how you interact in that situation, which causes a feedback loop on how it ends up going and reinforces whether your story was true or false.
“We’re generally looking to validate our own story. So, if you walk into a situation with the story: ‘This is going to be such a tough job interview. I don’t think they’re going to like me,’ you’re not going to exude the confidence that you might if you walked in with a sense that they’re excited to see you”
So, if you use negative experiences to shape the person you are, now you can understand the power of your thoughts — and that inner voice to which you give power. Your thoughts may increase your negative self-talk and, therefore, lower our energy, leading your stories to hinder your growth when they could propel you to achieve more and be the person you ought to become.
In “Energise - 30 Days to Vitality”, I dedicated entire chapter to help you understand the power of your thoughts and give many solutions to help you take control of the narrative.
Rewrite the narrative
Do you feel you cannot have a day without that mind chatter telling you that you cannot do it, that you should not even try, that you will end up hurting yourself.
Who wants to feel hurt and disappointment?
This is why your mind is using all those past experiences to protect you. But is it really keeping you safe?
Indeed, those who don’t try don’t fail.
Would you not agree that this philosophy of life is the direct route to regrets and mecontentement?
You may thus feel trapped between hurt and regrets and this can lead to much unhappiness, a life half-lived, hindering your achievements.
It is not something that can prevent you to do well professionally (and achieve greatness), but it can also impact your relationships and family life.
It may be important to take control of the narrative when your inner voice is filling your head with negativity or barrages that prevents you to take the next step or try again. To take control, you need to understand your predicament.
Why are you in this situation?
What could you have done differently?
Are you taking responsibility for your action or are you finding excuses, putting the blame on the situation or people?
What can you do to prevent this from happening again?
What do you have at your disposal to give you the confidence you think you lack or the tools you need to react better, to keep your mind silent or perhaps helpful?
Spiralling thoughts feel all-consuming, making them difficult to manage and, therefore, taking control is essential — and, is easier than you think.
Be kind to yourself. Speak to yourself in a manner that is respectful and as if you were talking to a very dear friend. Give yourself space and time to understand the situation — is your interpretation of the situation accurate, or is it distorted to fit your narrative? Are you disregarding that factors that do not fit your narrative? Are you generalising to reinforce the narrative deeper into your subconscious?
Speak to yourself as if you were talking to someone else. It’s much easier for us to give advice than to take our own. Language and the words you use are, therefore, of the most extreme important. Use your first name and ask yourself the questions that are important. For example: : So, [your name], how are you going to manage this situation? “
Understand your defence mechanisms. Become aware of your defensive strategies and what triggers them, so you can be objective about your needs, fears and rigid beliefs.
Understand your motivation. What do you want to get out of the situation? Pain and hurt or a pedestal to do better next time? Are you using your experience to pull you down or pull you up? Negative self-talks and rumination are the usual hallmark of anxiety disorders and depression.
Understand what you have at your disposal. The tools are inside of you; however, you may not be able to reach out for those in certain situation. This is where CBT may offer you the best support as it can help you with creating new automatisms and be in control whenever the situation arise again.
Take responsibility. Do it but in a gentle way. Do not punish yourself. The event was stressful enough, you do not need to make it worse by harsh talking to yourself. Imagine a child having done something wrong. He knows it. Shouting and pointing fingers will make the event a traumatic one indeed, and he/she will probably be extremely anxious about repeating the same mistake — and it may become all that they think about. This pattern of thoughts is usually enough to have the child (or you) repeating the same mistake and reinforcing your belief that you cannot do anything right (you generalise and distort the accuracy of the event to fit the narrative you tell yourself).
Uncover your core values. By doing so, you can identify what is important to you and evaluate if your actions, thoughts, desires and goals are ringing true to those values
Work on yourself. Journalling is the most promising exercise in this case.
The end in mind. Be clear about your core values and the direction you want to take. Make sure it is in line with your true self and that you give yourself all that you need to stay on track.
Journalling — how to?
In the morning, write down your intentions for the day in your journal. This can take as little as 3 minutes.
Affirmations are a fantastic opportunity to help your mind control thought patterns and help you be in control of the narrative. Choose no more than 3 each day and recite them to the mirror until you believe what you say and it rings true in your core. Then, write them on a piece of paper you carry with you all day. Use those as the anchor you need.
In the evening, as you unwind, focus on the day, and those intentions, and write down everything that had an impact on your mental and emotional well-being. Write down how it made you feel at the time, how it has affected you and how you have reacted to it.
Was it a constructive response?
Was it in tune with your intentions?
Were these linked to your authentic self, your values and beliefs? Did you apologise for your wrongs, if you were?
Did you accept apologies from those who did you wrong?
The key to journalling is to be as honest with yourself as possible, to be kind with the way you feel, and work inwards. Welcome the constructive thoughts, the good. Acknowledge the challenges, the moments you were not your best self. Dive deep into understanding yourself and your reactions to events. Remember that the event is only part of the way you feel. Your reaction dictates the way you feel, and this is intrinsically linked to your behaviour.
Can you take control of your thoughts?
The quote below could not be more true.
“I can become my anger in an instant. It’s a group of cells in my brain.
“Where do I want to consciously place my energy? We have so much more power over what’s going on inside of our brains than we have ever been taught.”
If you understand that you have the power to choose who and how you want to be in any moment, then you can befriend my inner voice and take control of your thoughts and the narrative, and how they can impact your emotions and, therefore, your behaviour.
EVENT ➡︎ THOUGHT ➡︎ EMOTION ➡︎ BEHAVIOUR
Change the associated thought and you are now in control of your behaviour.
Indeed, when someone is depressed, do you think they are going to socialise, spend time outdoors and eat healthily or would they retire from the world, self-isolate, and eat junk food for comfort and use their thoughts to feel constantly bad about themselves, so much so that they even disturb their sleep and feel out of control, lost and unable to be their old self. Again, it is the same pattern: rumination and using every negative experience to reinforce their negative belief in their subconscious.
So, if you cannot quiet your mind, it is not due to lack of effort. It’s the wrong goal.
Understand your motivations and act accordingly. If you mind chatter is not to your liking, then take control. Change the narrative.
Change is difficult, this is why creating automatisms is key. Creating automatisms gives you the key to unlocking your best self in any situation, even the stressful ones (no matte the cause), and to keep control of the narrative.